Moms Have Needs Too!

I recently began reading, What Every Mom Needs, by Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). As I am reading, I am finding that they have put into words many of the thoughts, feelings, and needs I myself have experienced as a mother and those I have heard expressed by the many fellow mamas I have had the pleasure of working with and doing life alongside. So, I thought I would share some of the nuggets I’m finding in hopes that they might be helpful to you in some way as well…..

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Mothering isn’t supposed to be this way!” Morgan and Kuykendall point out the difference between expectations and reality:

“In the days prior to actually becoming mothers, we fantasize about motherhood, imagining it to be magical, swathed in perfect pastel images. Then reality hits….Only a few months into mothering, we face the disappointment of the gap between our expectations and the rock-hard reality of being on duty twenty-four hours a day, engaged in some of the most unseemly aspects of life….we find a widening gap between our unrealistic expectations and the undeniable reality of our day-to-day lives. And in this gap grows some of our most insistent, basic needs. Yet because of the demanding, hectic nature of our days, we don’t often examine those needs, much less take time to meet them. But take a look at this truth: Just because we’ve become moms doesn’t mean we’re finished being children. Or students. Or pilgrims. Moms have continuing needs too. To sleep. To grow. To talk with someone who cares. To regain perspective and find hope. Ignoring those needs not only jeopardizes the health and well-being of the mom but of the whole family.”

According to Morgan and Kuykendall, “Psychologist Dr. Larry Crabb reports, ‘Most psychological symptoms (anxiety, depression, uncontrolled temper, pathological lying, sexual problems, irrational fears, manic highs) are either the direct result of or defensive attempts to cope with unmet personal needs.’ However, recognizing and meeting our needs leads to positive development through this stage of life.”

Ignoring our needs does not make them go away and often leads to increasing stress, irritability, anxiety, depression, frustration, guilt, shame, etc. Our expectations do not match reality, which can lead to an endless cycle of shame (I’m not good enough, I’m not a good mother, I’m not good at this, etc.) and responding to that shame by working harder and pushing our own needs to the side in order to meet those unrealistic expectations.

Morgan and Kuykendall question, “What surprised you about becoming a mother?” and list some examples:

-Myself.

-My temper and impatience.

-How tired I feel.

-How much I love my child.

-That a baby can take up my whole day.

-That while I love my children, some days I don’t like them.

-How being a mom brings out the best and worst in me.

-Some things I say to my children that I vowed I’d never say.

-That I’ll never be able to use the bathroom alone again.

-How many times a nose needs to be wiped.

-That I can’t punch out at five o’clock or ten o’clock or two o’clock!

-How much I started worrying…

-That I truly understand my mother for the first time.

-How wonderful it is to be called, “Mommy.”

They also question, “Mom, what do you need most?” and list some examples:

-A sanity check?

-To know that I’m normal?

-To know that I’m a good mother?

-Acceptance?

-Encouragement?

-Support?

-Time?

-Time off?

-Time alone?

-Patience?

-More energy?

-A break?

-A nap?

-A housekeeper?

-A secretary?

-A nanny?

-A dishwasher that loads itself and a vacuum that runs by remote control?

-A vacation?

-Adult conversation?

-Friends?

-A best friend?

-Someone to understand how I feel?

-To know that being a mother is important?

Morgan and Kuykendall suggest that, “Nine needs are unique to the stage of life in which we are mothering children from infancy to kindergarten age. When we learn to recognize these needs in ourselves, they become the building blocks that bridge the distance between expectations and reality. If these needs are ignored, however, they become stumbling blocks, slowing our development and blocking our fulfillment as mothers.” These nine needs are:

-Significance: Sometimes I wonder if mothering matters.

-Identity: Sometimes I’m not sure who I am.

-Growth: Sometimes I long to develop who I am.

-Intimacy: Sometimes I long to be understood.

-Instruction: Sometimes I don’t know what to do.

-Help: Sometimes I need to share the load.

-Recreation: Sometimes I need a break.

-Perspective: Sometimes I lose my focus.

-Hope: Sometimes I wonder if there is more to life.

What would you add to these lists? What are the specific challenges you face as you try to meet your own needs?

Stay tuned….As I finish the book, I may share more!