So, what is resilience and how do I get it?
According
to the American Psychological Association:
Resilience
is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy,
threats, or even significant sources of stress – such as family and
relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial
stressors. It means “bouncing back” from difficult experiences.
Being
resilient does not mean that a person doesn’t experience difficulty or
distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major
adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely
to involve considerable emotional distress.
Resilience
is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors,
thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.
So, what does
resilience in motherhood look like? According to Shawn Fink of the Abundant
Mama Project and Rachel Martin of Finding Joy, being an abundant or resilient
mama includes:
1.
Understanding yourself
2.
Giving yourself grace
3.
Trying again
4.
Looking for joy in the
middle of life
In an interview
by Shawn Fink of the Abundant Mama Project entitled, “Learning to Embrace Imperfection
and Find Joy in Motherhood,” Rachel Martin of Finding Joy shared some concepts
about the emotional journey of motherhood, which has a lot to do with
resilience. Rachel shared her mantra, “Fall seven times, stand up eight” and
explained that “It’s ok to fall, but there is unbelievable power when you stand
up and start again.” She explained further that, “Just because you messed up
yesterday doesn’t mean you have to mess up again today.” Earlier in the
episode, Shawn and Rachel talk about how the most important thing for your
children to see is your effort, that you keep trying.
As mamas,
we will not get it all 100% right 100% of the time, but our children see us
trying every day, day after day after day. They see that our commitment to them
is unwavering.
I came
across a video recently, which depicts a mama’s view of her day at home with
her infant and toddler versus her toddler’s view of their day together. In the
video, you can see the mama struggling at times, perhaps frustrated with her
children and herself. She sees everything she is doing “wrong,” but her toddler
sees her resilience. Despite the stress of taking care of a crying infant and a
messy toddler, she bounces back numerous times throughout the day to provide
more than enough love, care, and quality time for her children.
Here’s
the link to the video:
Some things you can do
to develop or increase resilience:
1.
Develop or increase
your support system. According to, What is Resilience?, by the American
Psychological Association, “Many
studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and
supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that
create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and
reassurance help bolster a person’s resilience.”
2.
Know who you are. Know
what you want. Know what your goals are and keep working toward them.
3.
Be able to identify
your genuine thoughts and feelings. Be able to acknowledge and allow them to
exist, without burying them, ignoring them, or numbing yourself to avoid them. You
do not have to sit with them forever, but allow them to happen and then you can
move on or move forward. Your emotion does not define you, it simply gives you
information.
4.
Be able to self-soothe
and refrain from reactivity. Implement techniques to calm yourself so that you
are able to cope through adversity. Otherwise, your mood and reactions will
change with every changing circumstance and your reactions will likely be
impulsive, which often produces regret. Self-soothing may include reminding
yourself that it is ok to give yourself grace during those difficult moments
and then get back up and keep going. It may also include looking for and
finding joy in the middle of it all.
5.
Accept that you will
make some sacrifices and, in a sense suffer, for the sake of your own growth. Resilience
is something that you can develop within yourself, but it requires your
commitment and effort. It does not just happen by itself. As mothers, we often
find ourselves putting everyone else’s needs above our own; therefore, it may
seem selfish to take some of that time and energy and redirect it back to
ourselves. But, in the end, we end up improving in all of our roles when we
nurture our own well-being. I often think of the oxygen mask in the airplane
analogy: We have to give ourselves oxygen first so we can remain conscious and
able to place the oxygen mask on our child. If we do not take care of ourselves
first, what good are we to others?
References:
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