Are you getting in the way of your own parenting?

Most of us want to give our children the best that we possibly can. We want them to have the best of everything. We want them to look back on the most wonderful, care-free, stress-free childhood, full of lots of warm fuzzies, and little to no suffering. Unfortunately, by doing this, we set them up for failure.

Don’t get me wrong. There is a place for the warm memories, the warm fuzzies. Where we go wrong is when we allow our own fears to prevent us from allowing them to suffer for their own good. There is a time for love, encouragement, praise, grace, etc. and there is also a time for allowing them to figure some things out on their own for the sake of their own growth.

We are parents, which comes with an assumption that we know everything we need to know and that we have it all together, but we too are human beings with our own “junk.” We bring our own issues into our parenting. For example, some of us allow guilt or fear to drive our parenting. Others of us are still experiencing unresolved anger regarding the way we were raised. Often, the response is to overcompensate in some way. We over-protect and/or give our children everything they could possibly need or desire in order to provide them a childhood much better than the one we experienced. Then, we live vicariously through them, experiencing the childhood we never had yet always longed for. Maybe you experienced a trauma and are so horrified to think that your child might experience the same or something similar and therefore keep them close at all times to make sure that they never will. Perhaps you refrain from doing or saying something that is in their best interest because you fear the same punishment and/or rejection from them that you experienced from your parents when you were a child.

“5 Parenting Behaviors That Stop Children From Being Successful.” (Curejoy.com) points out some specific patterns in the way that we sell our children short:

1.       Following double standards.

There are so many reasons we may communicate a double-standard to our children. Sometimes, we are just to freaking tired to follow through. But, sometimes it is because of things we wouldn’t necessarily even think about. For example, are you asking your child to do something that you don’t even really believe in? Sometimes we do things on auto-pilot, without really thinking them through. Maybe you are doing some things in your parenting simply because that is what you were taught when you were a child, but you haven’t really taken the time to stop and think about whether this is the way that YOU want to parent YOUR children. If you aren’t fully committed to it, you are not going to follow through consistently, thus communicating a double-standard. Your kids look up to you and most often your actions are even more influential than your words. If you follow double standards, your children may learn that it is ok to follow them throughout their lives.

2.       Being too protective.

“One of the major mistakes committed by parents is that they refuse to let their kids experience any risks. True, you tend to be fiercely protective of your littles ones. But if you swoop in to rescue them every single time, they will never learn to solve problems on their own. Some falls are necessary for your kids to learn how to dust themselves off and get back on track.”

What are you afraid will happen if your child fails or gets hurt or makes a mistake? Are you afraid that it will reflect poorly on you as though you are failing/a failure? Are you afraid they may experience the same hurt/pain as you did when you were a child?

3.       Allowing guilt to take the upper hand.

“If your children are absolutely happy with you, then you are not parenting well. Your role is not to be their friend alone. You have to be their mentor, leader, and critic. Providing your kids with everything they want is never going to help them in the long run. Your children need to know that the world does not owe them anything and that no one is entitled to privileges. If they need something they will have to work hard to earn it.” Are you replaying early experiences of being rejected or punished for setting appropriate, healthy boundaries and expectations?

4.       Keeping mum about mistakes in your past.

“It is important that your kids see you for who you are.” I would add that kids are perceptive and are able to sense when who you present to them is not your true self. Appropriate to their age and development, “Make it a point to share your past with them and to admit to all the blunders you have committed when you were young. This will help to a great extent in forming a tight bond with your children. Not to mention how it will make you seem more human in their eyes and boost their confidence to fight hard even when they face failures.” Are you replaying early experiences of being rejected or punished for making a mistake? Do you want them to feel free to develop and be their true self? Show them how it’s done.

5.       Giving away praise too easily.

I think this one also goes with giving our children everything we didn’t have as a child and living vicariously through them. Is this really in their best interest in the short or long run?

“Yes, it is necessary to boost your child’s self-confidence. That doesn’t mean you have to celebrate every A on their report card or every kick they made in a football match. You can buy your kids trophies to make them feel better, but that is only depriving them of the feeling of a well-earned victory. Such kids grow up and realize that only their parents think of them as winners while the rest of the world can see them for who they truly are.” Yes, encourage your children. But, also allow them to fail. When they fail, help them learn to cope with their feelings about it, learn from it, and keep going.

If you have read this and some or all of it resonates with you, but you do not know how to approach making a change, you might consider seeking out support from a therapist. It often takes the expertise of a trained professional to fully identify and understand these patterns, find a way to resolve them, and develop a way to change them.