Healthy Mama, Healthy Family

In a recent post, I offered some suggestions for developing resilience, the last of those being the ability to suffer for the sake of your own growth.

How committed are you to your own mental and emotional well-being? How willing are you to make some sacrifices so that you can be the best version of yourself?

I recently came across some quotes on good ‘ol Facebook:

“Take care of yourself, mama. Go for a jog, get your hair and nails done, read a book, have a drink, cry. Do what you have to do. Your children need you to be ok.” – Savvy

“Happiness starts with you. Not with your relationships, not with your job, not with your money, but with you.” – Power of Positivity

What is the first thing that comes to mind when I suggest that you take time for yourself? I often hear (and also think to myself), “I’m too busy.”

We want to give our families all that we have. We naturally put ourselves and our own needs aside to put our families’ needs first. We give it all we’ve got. We are too busy and then we are too tired to fit in some time for our own self-care.

BUT…..

If all we do is give, give, give, give, give…..we are going to run out. If all we do is strive, strive, strive, strive, strive…..we are going to burn out. We will find ourselves running on fumes. By giving them our all, without taking some time for our own self-care, they end up with a tired, irritable, lesser version of us. 

By sacrificing a small amount of time or energy to focus on ourselves and our own needs rather than theirs, we end up:

1.     Being a better version of ourselves so that we can parent the way that we want to.

2.     Modeling self-care for our children.

3.     Showing them that they are not the center of the universe every single moment of every day (which is good for them!!).

It’s like you are saying to them, “I’m going to focus on me for a moment, you’ll be fine. In fact, pay attention. This thing that I’m doing to take care of myself at this moment, it’s a really good skill to have. It’s something you would benefit from learning, so watch and learn. I hope that you are able to learn and implement self-care as well throughout your own life. It is very valuable.”

Jen Hatmaker, in Out of the Spin Cycle, states, “Our only hope to speak with kindness, to lead with patience, and to not threaten our children with homicide is to ensure our spiritual reserves are not bone-dry. Moms are the middle of the flow chart; the arrows of exertion flow constantly out from us, but when no arrows of strength, grace, and peace are flowing in, the whole mechanism is in danger.”

She continues, “Under the banner of selflessness, we neglect our own spiritual health and sabotage the very service we want to render.”

(Whatever beliefs you may hold, I believe this statement applies. Spiritual health can have various meanings. You could also substitute “spiritual health” for “self-care” or “mental and emotional health” and the above statement would remain true.)

We cannot expect to keep doing things exactly the same and get different results. We cannot continue to give endlessly without taking care of your own needs and expect to experience fulfillment, joy, peace, balance, etc. It is possible to take care of yourself, even in the midst of a crazy busy life. You have a choice: You can commit to your own self-care or you can continue to ignore your own needs and continue to feel like you are exhausted, not enough, and unhappy.

Here are some ways to fill yourself with good so that you can pour out that goodness to your families:

1.     Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself inside of your head. Can you fill your mind with more positive affirmations about yourself?

2.     Choose a mantra. I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post that Rachel Martin of Finding Joy shared her mantra, “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” It might take some searching, but you can find a mantra that really resonates with you, shifts your thoughts, and encourages you.

3.     Journal. Don’t worry about grammar or anyone else reading it, just get it out. Journaling can be a way to release stress and it often provides an opportunity to better understand what we are thinking or feeling.

4.     Get outside. For some, just the warmth of the sun or being out in nature creates a sense of serenity, comfort, and even clarity.

5.     Do something physical. Take a walk, a run, a bike ride. Join an exercise class or a community sport team just for fun.

6.     Read a book about something that will encourage you and challenge you to grow.

7.     Engage in an activity that is all about you and your interests. Something fun, but also that reminds you that you are your own person with your own interests and talents.

8.     Practice relaxation. Deep breathing. Meditation. Yoga.

9.     Spend time with your support system. You need them. They are there to listen, support, or just to get away and have some fun with.

10. Spend time all by yourself. While our support system, and spending time with them, is important, some personalities recharge by spending time completely alone. Spending time with loved ones and spending time alone can serve two different functions. 

     There are so many different ways to take care of yourself and it’s going to look different for everybody. Really, you are the expert of your own life. Try things. See what fills you up, refreshes you, and gives you energy. Remember that what you put in is what you get out. That means two things: 1. What you fill yourself with, that is what will overflow from you. 2. The amount of effort you put into taking care of yourself, that is what you will get out of it. Get creative. Post quotes on your mirror. Set a timer throughout the day to stop and take five deep breaths and focus on something you are thankful for. Get up 15 minutes earlier than normal or stay up 15 minutes later than normal to spend time doing something that will help you to feel peaceful, fulfilled, encouraged, less stressed, etc. Also, remember that self-care skills are like a muscle: You have to keep working them for them to gain strength and remain strong and effective. Start small and build up. Whatever you can manage. You are important, both as an individual and in all of your many roles.